Am I on the right way and I’m being so attacked because of it and should be rejoicing, or have I just really, really screwed up? Maybe there isn’t even enough evidence to convict me as a Christian!
Edith and I rowed after the last session with the Asylum seekers. It was hot, they weren’t really interested as they had a Play bus coming, and we had a toddler which shouldn’t have allowed to come. I also made the mistake of presuming that one of the horses was familiar with the horse ball we were using but he was scared. When it was kicked, the horse jumped and nearly knocked the kid over. I then had to think on my feet for new games. Edith was out of the arena and no help when we should be together as a team. Maybe I’m too used to working on my own and my own resources. We were also being watched by some teacher doing an MA on integration. So Edith tore me off a strip in front of him twice and I of course responded. Why she couldn’t wait until after the session and do this in private, we looked like a couple of stupid women not professionals? It was because she didn’t understand the games and I hadn’t explained. We did go on after, and she came out with accusations of us needing to assess each session –completely forgetting we have done so each time and it was because of her appointments this time we couldn’t. She admitted has no idea of working with kids, or the games, and when I suggested she needs to read her EAGALA manual, she said she didn’t like taking people’s ideas – I gave up. I tried so hard not to obsess about the whole thing, everything having been said and maybe I shouldn’t have had some beer with Paggy and Dave but I was hurting and lashed out at Dave in my pain.
After a day of calming down and praying, I was due an Erna day. I was so calm about the whole thing and prayed I would be ok and not take offence etc, and I failed. It began after breakfast when I said maybe we could do the Rittersaal if the rooms weren’t ready, she turned and looked at me as if I’d crawled our from under a stone and muttered about seeing rooms first. My heart sank, I was in for another bad day. So I decided to separate myself from them and do the loos and turning the quilts so I didn’t have to be in the same room but working along side. Maybe this was a wrong decision as far as the other two were concerned I’d disappeared. I started sweeping one corridor which was dirty and got shouted at to leave it and go and take the rubbish away. I was so annoyed, I’m afraid I uttered annoyance as I walked away and she kept on talking. She may have been telling me they were having a break, I couldn’t understand, so I couldn’t find them where expected and it happened again later, no one said what we were doing, I was abandoned. Things got late, there was an awful lot to do. And I could see we would finish late. Now this was the one day I could not do that. I had a changeover to do at the holiday flat and didn’t know when they would arrive although they had been told 6. I had prayed, used tongues and went around saying to myself I can take being ignored, but the whole day was getting to me. So it happened, Erna asked to borrow Michaela’s phone to ring home and I had to say, I can’t stay. So I got shouted at, YOU MUST, and I repeated I couldn’t. She then said then I had to see Helmuth and other things which I couldn’t understand so I stormed out. It was such a relief just to shout back in English at the top of my voice ‘Ahh SHUT UP’. I went straight to Helmuth and said I just couldn’t stay and I’d been shouted at and ignored all day and had found my colleagues rude. I said I would stay till 3, then I would be gone. He of course did the tear welling up thing but was ok, so I went and cleaned bogs. Michaela joined me and gave me all this rubbish about being left alone to finish stuff etc, etc, and I was so far gone I just said I couldn’t care less, I had covered for her when he was ill and had done areas on my own myself. I had told her that morning I had the flat to do, but of course it hadn’t registered. I left, the guests turned up two hours early, there wasn’t enough bed linen and so on. I felt later I should offer an Olive branch and texted Michaela saying I’d come the next day and help, the reply to which was it was all done, why did I need to help?
So I don’t know what my reception will be. I go back to work tomorrow, I’ve written my notice. Will I give it in? I feel disloyal leaving midseason but they are already advertising for more kitchen staff. Do I stay and hack it? See what happens on the next Erna day on Friday? What do I do? I haven’t slept properly for days, it goes around and around in my head. Do I send Michaela a text asking if I can still have a lift or just say I’m coming in my car? I have prayed and the answer is I have to follow the peace that God will give me – but so far I cant find it.