So where's the snow?

Muddling through life from Austria to Wales; God, life and a small black dog

Leave a comment

On being a mother

No one ever told me that you would still see your children as your babies even though they are grown and leading their own lives and you yourself are in your sixties. I grieve for the years spent in Austria, where although they appeared to be happy and settled, they weren’t. One went through a divorce, just at Covid time and we couldn’t get over.  The other, found their love, but to the extent, they have moved on and that relationship between mother and child, which naturally must transfer to the partner has never been the same since. She now in a busy professional life and there is a barrier. I sense there is some deep problem there too, but she’ll never confide in me now.

I always imagined big, family Sunday dinners but they will never happen now as the only time we all seem to be together is at Christmas and they all can’t wait to rush back to their own lives.

My fear of crowding them is a result of my childhood, where I was brought up by my mother and grandmother, who fought the whole time, my mother ending up an alcoholic. I’m so scared of being intrusive, and in course, they have backed off, into their own lives. I always hoped that one day, when they were in their thirties, they would be mature enough to talk adult to adult, but it’s not happening. I so envy those close families.

My son, I did have some time with when we got here,and I tried so hard to tell him I was sorry for failing him during the divorce time, and of course he didn’t reply, but at least I said what was needed. My daughter had a blow up with her dad at Christmas, but it meant the next day she and I did chat a bit and for a few hours, my daughter ceased to be grumpy,fed up with us and non communicative, or maybe that was the alcohol!

My son has a new woman, who is from Europe and lives with her mother. I met them at Christmas and they seem lovely. But my alarm bells are ringing, how is there a future there? I want to say, beware set up boundaries. I know he is so hurt and is sailing into a new port, and its not history repeating itself. Then today I find they are all on holiday somewhere hot, all three of them. I’m jealous that he has a new mother figure. I’m hurt that he would never be on holiday like that with us, and I know my husband will never understand how I’m feeling right now, its a mother thing.

I hurt.