So where's the snow?

Muddling through in Austria; God, life and a small black dog


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God TV – moral failure

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We were really surprised when we heard that Rory Alec had stepped down as CEO. Dave and I have our disagreements with some of God TVs fundraising, not trusting some of the people they trust and haven’t given so much lately. In fact their last appeal had a huge shortfall- we didn’t like the idea of buying bricks and putting a Bible under the altar – that’s daft and non biblical.  But this explains why there was a blockage. God expects a lot more from his people in key roles, and such sin would block things spiritually.

HOWEVER!  Rory is just a man and maybe they had all forgotten this and were so super spiritual that they thought themselves immune from attack. So what now? Forgiveness, repentance and Rory needs to at some stage, when he has sorted himself with God and his wife, to be brought back into the fold. What a chance to show the love of God and how repentance and forgiveness works. Or perhaps  Rory doesn’t want to give it up, and she doesn’t want him back. Human, weak and fallible,  God uses the weak of the world. What a chance for great things to come from this.


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Pills, palpitations and panic attacks

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Male readers may wish to turn away……….

I thought that after my partial hysterectomy, I would gently slip into menopause and in a few months it would all be over, body recovered, new lease of life. In fact, yes, I do have more energy and feel physically better, running warm all the time is good in winter,  but everything apart from these, right at the moment feels like hell.

I’ve had palpitations on and off since Christmas, which vary from a slightly heavier heartbeat to feeling as if the old thing is trying to turn me upside down. They can be cyclical, they can be random, they may be triggered by tiredness. Panic attacks that I’m going to have a heart attack and die. Slightest ache in my arm or indigestion, I panic. Broken nights sleep – so I have had to resort to having a crash out nap in the afternoon, sometimes twice a week which is ridiculous. But that is getting better as I’ve been working on my fitness (a bit).  When I went to the Docs, and had an ECG and blood test for all this stuff,  no one said oh yes they’re menopause related, didn’t check my notes or remember I had had the hysterectomy, I had to find this out on the internet.

This month, I had breast tenderness and a week of headaches, so began to think, ah the dying signs of it all sorting itself out. Then I went for the yearly check up with the Gynae Doctor and he talked me into taking Oestrogen – manufacturered not natural. In 5 days I felt so ill, I wanted to die and chucked them. Daughter says I shouldn’t have been prescribed it in the first place as I get very occasional migraines with auras – he never asked me. The only good thing was a brief return of a sex life, and I’d quite like that back.

So how long do I have to put up with this? Palpitations back again for over ten days, sad, low and angry (although there are other things triggering these). What’s the point in taking Oestrogen? I understand my symptoms are due to falling levels – but I was told to take it for only two months -what happens then – do the symptoms return again as the levels drop once more? I’m suffering from lack of correct information and don’t know where to find it. Do I go to the other Gynae doc in Tamsweg, go back to mine and tell him he was wrong to prescribe? Oh, somebody, just tell me what I should do. I believe as a Christian, that I have the power of Christ in me, and I am healed, so why doesn’t this all stop?

What’s the point of even blogging this as people receive my blog but never read it? No one will reply, the only good is in I’m having a rant.


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EAGALA and me!

Part of any EAGALA training is taking part in the activities yourself and so I was watching what was coming up and selected what I thought would be a simple one which wouldn’t be too difficult and then my bit would be done.  So when they asked for volunteers to get a horse (s) over an obstacle without touching the horse (I may remember wrongly) , no bribing and without talking, I thought easy and was there.  So it proved, with us linking arms together and with one of the ladies walking by the horse it was easily done, the only problem was the group deciding if finished.  It was the end of day and we all went home and I didn’t give it another thought.

It was only the next day , when we met again that everything suddenly hit me as others shared their experiences. One lady had been blown away by the whole experience and I’d never noticed.  For once I had completely lost focus on the horse, I was just in on myself and getting finished, and no-one else. I had felt I knew it all and this was just a simple exercise that meant nothing.  I know I’m single-minded, and can really only focus on one area at a time, and now I was showing the traits of the old arrogance – it’s still here.  With this, I felt a little low and wanted to touch and rub a horse. 

This set me wondering, do I prefer animal contact to people?  More affection that way too, due to my untouched childhood?  Do I have a need to touch and feel?  I don’t know!!!  Then one of the horses came and started blowing down the neck of one of the trainers and I was reminded of when I first came to Austria.  Despite all my saying I’d given up horses, I was missing them as they’d been so much part of my life.  I met Edda, who took me to visit her horses and as we went across the field, this huge thoroughbred youngster came up to me and snuffled my hair and I just stood there and felt the comfort of the touch, his interest in me, and was so grateful and touched, I felt rejuvenated.  Then at the training, the Shetland pony who was in charge of hospitality came up to the woman sitting in front of me and began snuffling her – I was so jealous!  I was needing that too, then he came to me, snuffled and lipped the side of my face so it was wet – I had to laugh, I’d got double the dose!  Watching these people I was with, all touching, scratching  and communicating with the horses, I suddenly realised I wasn’t alone.  And that was the greatest peace giver of all, I’m not alone in this bond with horses and from at that moment I was at peace.  If this work can do this for me, what more can it do for those in real pain and damage? How much more when this therapy is used to start God‘s healing?


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The Renewed Mind

Poor marrow!

This simply means getting your nose down in the Bible and reading it, assimilating what it says and mediating on it.  Some things have puzzled me so much that I’ve let them go around in my head until ‘I got it’ to quote Joyce Meyer!  The Holy Spirit helps us, and Andrew Wommack also says praying in tongues while you do it helps a lot – I’ve tried but find it difficult to concentrate , no doubt needs practise.

 Ok, so then how about God’s will in our lives?  Well with these two steps in motion we can begin to test God’s perfect will.  I’m not going to repeat all the examples in the teaching, you must listen to it yourself. Suffice to say that the outcome is what is God’s will becomes yours.  In our own lives, it was this overwhelming desire to come and live in Austria, for me to work at the Fortune Centre where I’ve been most of my life terrified by disabled people.  This also means that this fear that folks have that they will be sent to the stereotypical mud hut in Africa because it’s what they will hate the most is null and void, God’ s love and will for their lives becomes their’s too and as in my own life.

 Yet it is so easy to get the idea of God’s will and go and blow it as Moses did, when he killed the Israelite and had to spend time in the desert repenting and learning from it.  We put our own timing on things in our haste to get going.  The way our house sold two weeks after we found this place is not man’s timing, its Gods, and I feel confident that we didn’t blunder.  I’ve been dogged with a sense of being on the wrong path so much but as I’ve listened, I’ve seen again his hand not mine in all this = phew!

 Not everyone will be called to be Ministers or preachers, there are other ways.  In some ways it might even be totally irrelevant as to what you do, as in work wise and living if you are maybe witnessing to a neighbour or helping someone.  And even then, it’s not our actions he’s looking for but US.

 Lastly, and what was most soothing to me, again with the example of Moses, is that its never too late to make a course correction if we swerve off the path, King David was God’s second choice after Saul and look what he did.  God will honour our honesty seeking and following a path, but he cant do anything unless we actually move and do something, then he can show us the co-ordinates to go on.


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The Living Sacrifice

Weird clouds as the storm departed

This is a repeat of an earlier blog series as I’ve just increased where the Blog appears.

Living Sacrifice – what a mouthful and what a daunting expression this is, especially to someone not really knowing the Bible. There is the picture of something being slain on an altar which is horrible and as Andrew Wommack says, the trouble with a living sacrifice it keeps on getting off the altar.

This expression is found in Romans 12, 1 -2 and a lot of preachers make a lot of this, I quote below from the NIV;

‘1. Therefore, I urge you brothers, in view of God’s mercy , to offer your bodies as living sacrifices, holy and pleasing to God – this is your spiritual act of worship. 2. Do not confirm any longer to the pattern of this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind.  Then you will be able to test and approve what God’s will is –his good, pleasing and perfect will’

The series then unpicked this statement, and to be a LS, is basically come to the end of your self.  And I have so done this!  God’s allowed me to follow my own desires in my writing, my degree work, although he showed me his purpose in working at the Fortune centre.  Here I’ve learnt patience, about my arrogance, my low self esteem, and the commensurate high sense of self importance, I’ve learnt how to clean bogs and be the invisible member of a team (well nearly).  I have this sense that there is nothing left but God, and I’ve made him my last option as I’ve slowly built a spiritual wall around myself, which I can see neither over or round.  I would counter those who would say that God has broken me – for I am not broken, I am his beloved and he has shown me these things in a way through my spirit so that I’ve come to recognise them and pray against them and learn, even though at times I’ve let them run while still being aware of them.  He’s let me discern and I feel has said that he made me, some of these things are damage and some things – like my love of control are not necessarily bad if used in the right way. I am at the end of myself, I lay myself on that altar and say I’m yours.  Do with me as you will, no holds barred. I know there are times when I’ll try to crawl off, as this self of  body  and soul (my thinking) which lives in the present time and space rears its physical needs, desires, cravings and will against that of God spirit of God who lives inside me, but I know I just have to climb back on board.  Its not a bloody place. When I get what is called a ‘Flesh flash’ of me wanting to do things for me, the Spirit will help me deal with it. As the series went on, more and more insights came to me and at last I’ve begun to get on the next stage.  I laid down my blog writing as a symptom of self, but I believe he’s given back to me this burning desire to share with people in this way through words so here I am.


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Testimony

The storm - hailstones hurtling onto the Hof

This is first of a series six I’m reposting as I’ve added extra shares to the Blog.This summer I posted  a spate of blogs  that I wrote in the spring as I was having a break and dealing with stuff as in that Woman and life, but also because I knew I was back tracking in my faith and needed to do something about it.  The blogs are full on Christian which I hope might inspire some comment -although if something interesting happens I’ll add!

 I started off the season with all the best intentions, using scripture to deal with that E woman but I fell by the wayside as stress and tiredness took their toll, and laziness too as I relaxed my Bible and prayer time. It was  in some ways  a desire not to get tied to a regular reading in case it became the law ie just a ritual which I know now is a lie.  It was a twisted thinking because I need scripture to feed me spiritually and let God speak to me through it.  God will not love me more because I do it, he just gets more chances to talk to me!

The Burg being quieter meant that there are now days when we work on our own and so my MP3 comes out and I wander the Burg like a demented wombat singing when I hope no one’s around and listening to Andrew Wommack downloads.  This amazing man does all this for free, the only telly evangelist I know who does so.  We are partners with him and so I feel free so to do.  Last year I had listened to the How to Find, Follow and Fulfill God’s will in your life series and as the player was on the blink, it seemed a good idea to start here again as I’ve felt for a long time we had taken a wrong turning.

http://www.awmi.net/extra/audio/1066

 As blogged, Edith and I have finally started the Asylum seekers work and yet I was just feeling a sense of dread and hoping no one would turn out.  I began to see that here I was fulfilling a dream of working with horses and kids again and I was so guilty of not loving them at all. It was particularly when a little five year old girl took my hand for reassurance I was shamed and began to love again. I even had the naughty joy of nicking one of Lois’s customers one day and it all came back to me, I need to refresh my teaching skills so that I don’t run out of things to do in the lessons. 

 So I set too and cleaned bogs and listened.