I’ve needed to write about this to get it all out of my system and get some perspective. Its also written out of exhaustion and by the time you read this, I will have bounced backed, prayed things through and come to some sort of resolution! I always find writing things out helps with closure on things. I’d really like some feedback too!
Naturally, after the course I did have a lot of self-pity to wallow in but you can only let that run so far. As is my usual thing, I’m now into looking at what I’ve done, the mistakes and how to carry on. Did I in the first place get it completely wrong and shouldn’t have taken the course? There’d been so much in my life recently that showed I was on the right track repeating what we did when we first came here. I had once again the horses and teaching a bit of English etc, so I felt that this course was a logical step. That the job was still advertised after the wedding and my operation was like a sign. But I’m not a trained classroom teacher. I worked for six years as a teacher, on a stable yard, in the care home and a little in the formal setting. I have an NVQ assessors qualification. Had my arrogance let me believe I could do such a thing? I’d been glad that Andrea had done the hard slog and I had the easier consolidation to do.For the next course, I’d have the summer to fully prepare. Naturally, taking over a course halfway isn’t easy, Andrea was their Saint, and I could do nothing right. Even Hilda said the group was difficult.
Maybe I should have worked harder on my German over the years, I know I make mistakes all the time and people do misunderstand me.
Maybe I should have heeded that small voice of doubt.
I don’t deal well with hostility, and added to that in a second language, what chance would I have to understand a furious rant? I’d rather be on my own than dealing with difficult people! I could have done more for Daniela, but I’d been so rebuffed, I took the easy option and left her alone. Maybe without the horses, I can’t teach. But I feel that door’s closing for me – maybe the small amount of riding therapy work we did is something, but its not enough. I’ve been too long away from horses and my nerves are coming back.
Right now, I never want to teach again. I can’t do it, my German is obviously not adequate and I can’t handle hostility. Do I tell the boss before he sacks me? I have no confidence in myself anymore as a teacher. It would take a huge incentive to make me take the further course in October.
What does this leave for our future here in Austria? I’m so tired of coping in a second language, and Dave finds it harder than I. I want to be where I can understand and be understood. England seems such a comforting place to be – greener grass syndrome of course. But we only have the capital in the flat and that’s not enough to buy and move back to the UK. Added to that, Dave doesn’t want to go back. But we have to work, we cannot claim the dole forever here. Quite honestly, I’ve run out of options. It’ll be back to cleaning.
What is God saying to us on this? We’re still certain he sent us here. And he does sometimes use negative situations to speak to us. But whatever he’s saying, I get the feeling I’ll always be getting it wrong, or not hearing properly. I’m at the end of me, yet again. I keep on getting back to this point. I know I have to trust and recommit myself to him. We’ve been praying for so long for a breakthrough, that we’ll somehow have enough to run a small B&B and live off this. But the doors close all the time on that, we cannot buy next door and extend. Has this country beaten me?