So where's the snow?

Muddling through life from Austria to Wales; God, life and a small black dog


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Some comments please – what would you do?

Am I on the right way and I’m being so attacked because of it and should be rejoicing, or have I just really, really screwed up? Maybe there isn’t even enough evidence to convict me as a Christian!

Edith and I rowed after the last session with the Asylum seekers.  It was hot, they weren’t really interested as they had a Play bus coming, and we had a toddler which shouldn’t have allowed to come.  I also made the mistake of presuming that one of the horses was familiar with the horse ball we were using but he was scared.  When it was kicked, the horse jumped and nearly knocked the kid over. I then had to think on my feet for new games. Edith was out of the arena and no help when we should be together as a team.  Maybe I’m too used to working on my own and my own resources.  We were also being watched by some teacher doing an MA on integration.  So Edith tore me off a strip in front of him twice and I of course responded.  Why she couldn’t wait until after the session and do this in private, we looked like a couple of stupid women not professionals?  It was because she didn’t understand the games and I hadn’t explained.  We did go on after, and she came out with accusations of us needing to assess each session –completely forgetting we have done so each time and it was because of her appointments this time we couldn’t.  She admitted has no idea of working with kids, or the games, and when I suggested she needs to read her EAGALA  manual, she said she didn’t like taking people’s ideas – I gave up.  I tried so hard not to obsess about the whole thing, everything having been said and maybe I shouldn’t have had some beer with Paggy and Dave but I was hurting and lashed out at Dave in my pain.

After a day of calming down and praying, I was due an Erna day.  I was so calm about the whole thing and prayed I would be ok and not take offence etc, and I failed.  It began after breakfast when I said maybe we could do the Rittersaal if the rooms weren’t ready, she turned and looked at me as if I’d crawled our from under a stone and muttered about seeing rooms first.  My heart sank, I was in for another bad day. So I decided to separate myself from them and do the loos and turning the quilts so I didn’t have to be in the same room but working along side. Maybe this was a wrong decision as far as the other two were concerned I’d disappeared. I started sweeping one corridor which was dirty and got shouted at to leave it and go and take the rubbish away.  I was so annoyed, I’m afraid I uttered annoyance as I walked away and she kept on talking.  She may have been telling me they were having a break, I couldn’t understand, so I couldn’t find them where expected and it happened again later, no one said what we were doing, I was abandoned.  Things got late, there was an awful lot to do. And I could see we would finish late.  Now this was the one day I could not do that. I had a changeover to do at the holiday flat and didn’t know when they would arrive although they had been told 6.  I had prayed, used tongues and went around saying to myself I can take being ignored, but the whole day was getting to me.  So it happened, Erna asked to borrow Michaela’s phone to ring home and I had to say, I can’t stay.  So I got shouted at, YOU MUST, and I repeated I couldn’t.  She then said then I had to see Helmuth and other things which I couldn’t understand so I stormed out.  It was such a relief just to shout back in English at the top of my voice ‘Ahh SHUT UP’.  I went straight to Helmuth and said I just couldn’t stay and I’d been shouted at and ignored all day and had found my colleagues rude.  I said I would stay till 3, then I would be gone.  He of course did the tear welling up thing but was ok, so I went and cleaned bogs.  Michaela joined me and gave me all this rubbish about being left alone to finish stuff etc, etc, and I was so far gone I just said I couldn’t care less, I had covered for her when he was ill and had done areas on my own myself. I had told her that morning I had the flat to do, but of course it hadn’t registered. I left, the guests turned up two hours early, there wasn’t enough bed linen and so on.  I felt later I should offer an Olive branch and texted Michaela saying I’d come the next day and help, the reply to which was it was all done, why did I need to help?

So I don’t know what my reception will be.  I go back to work tomorrow, I’ve written my notice.  Will I give it in?  I feel disloyal leaving midseason but they are already advertising for more kitchen staff. Do I stay and hack it?  See what happens on the next Erna day on Friday?  What do I do?  I haven’t slept properly for days, it goes around and around in my head. Do I send Michaela a text asking if I can still have a lift or just say I’m coming in my car?  I have prayed and the answer is I have to follow the peace that God will give me – but so far I cant find it.


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Arrogance

My first horsey job, me, six Haflingers and loads of kids. Such a shame they closed.

As I’ve said, God has had a lot to deal with me on , and the main thing he’s dealt with me is ARROGANCE, which is intermingled with self-esteem, and self-pity

It all began out riding one day when I decided to take a certain route home and it came to me that I was being arrogant, because this was not the way the boss had directed, and who was I to decide? I argued with myself, over the practical issues of my decision yet the thought was continued nagging away at me.  This wasn’t of me, it was God.  I believe he does discipline or cause us to suffer but it’s not in the same way as when we are abused and suffer for our faith, He chastises and teaches us through Gentle Holy Spirit, there’s no hitting with a stick. (1  Peter 4, v12 and 19).  As Christians we suffer for being Christians e.g abuse and are glad.   And this world brings its own problems, that’s life. He began a process that took over a year to bring me to the place where I am now, and parts of it were difficult to take but I needed to be shown and there’s probably more to come.

 Each time I did something, or made a decision it was as if this arrogance was highlighted and I looked at myself as is from outside. Then I read the Marian Keyes novel, Rachel’s Holiday and how when she gets into therapy, its highlighted that arrogance can come from an overgrown self-importance, which goes with low self-esteem.  I was right back  in childhood.  How I’ve always been aware that I musn’t like myself too much, or I’d become bumptious, like my child self showing off to people, in a loud voice, when I grow up, this is my shop and so on.  I’ve always been aware that I had to keep this under control because I was such a big head.   The book also said how low self esteem could just be inherited or simply be caused by being part of a big family.  Or maybe it was that I was brought up by my mother and grandmother, no father, older brothers who were distanced or bullies (to my mind)  no idea about what love is or even about men.  None of which could be avoided but……..

 A lot of this shows up in my attitude to Dave – especially, where I used to wish he’d do something I could respect him for – SUCH arrogance.  Why should he have to prove himself to me before I will repect him? It’s been though Joyce Meyer that I’ve learnt that he’s different, male, that’s all!  I’ve been with him for over 26 years, he’s not going to change – get over it!  He’s achieved a hell of a lot with even coming over here and speaking another language. I don’t do lawnmowers, he doesn’t do phones.  Why should I be better than him? He’s equal to me, I’m no better. We enjoy our company together so why mess it up all the time.  ( Even now a voice is saying but what about when he picks on me – WELL I’VE USUALLY STARTEDIT!)  It’s not all about me all the time – self pity and the pity party (Thanks Joyce) Oh, how she pointed that out, guilty again, but now after having a real battle with myself to even to acknowledge this,  I can see myself doing it at last and stop!

Then I had a run of events where I was embarrassed by me.  Such as turning up at the gym on the wrong day, giving someone the impression my birthday was soon and getting a card too early, going to buy some curtains and finding them too expensive so backing out, she knew and I knew!   Then it clicked, that at times I embarrass God.  When we had the house competition at the stables,at lunch time Lois told me to get some refreshments and I said no and sat in self-pity  by the car  eating sandwiches.  I then realised I often feel excluded from big groups, or like when at the FC I got nothing in the secret santa (was he trying to teach me then?).  I had  to get over this, it is immature, it comes from somewhere in my childhood, but now I can see and live with it.  Then maybe it’s another side of arrogance.  When I don’t get the attention I think I need,I sulk –ooooops. The next time such a situation occurred, it was a battle not to let the self-pity win, but I won!  It hasn’t been easy but the result is a peace that I’ve never had before.  Doesn’t mean it doesn’t come back, but self-awareness shows it the door. Just when you think the battle is won……..during my first aid course at the Burg we had a break and after we had had coffee and cake, we were all offered a beer and I vehemiantly said no.  And wondered at the same time why I was saying it, I wasn’t driving and I like a beer.  I heard myself going on about preferring wine.  It wasn’t till after I realised what I had done.  Self pity.  In a big group I was on the outside, not only becasue I was new, but I couldnt understand much of what was said.   So I havent grown up at all, I couldn’t hold forth  so I didnt talk at all.  At others times I chat away when its a small group, going the other way. I need to find the middle line.   It isnt that I’m shy on big groups, I’m not handling being the centre of attention.  And its why I think I dont need German lessons, but go on my own little way getting it wrong, doing it on my own.All this informs so much of what I do, nah , wont bother cleaning that, it looks ok, when earlier we had been told to do something regardless.  Since a child when I became aware of how ‘bumptious’ I can be, I’ve quelled a lot of my behavoiur, What would happen if I let rip and let it all out? How will I ever get over this?  Why (apart form the obvious) is God teaching me all of this?  Having to reason things through, I now am thinking, well, the bumptious Anna is a result either of the things that went wrong, or is genetic.  Is it possible to recover the original, unblemished soul?  Would that then make me a different person? What next I wonder?