So where's the snow?

Muddling through life from Austria to Wales; God, life and a small black dog


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Putting God first

There is so much stuff going around in my head at the moment, but it’s all good. As is usual for me, writing it down helps a lot.

After reading, The Dean’s watch’ it was like the days when I spent time mediating and I felt spiritually aware and so close to God. So, of course, there came a form of attack, particularly in my health. Maybe it was a bug, but I was so tired and my legs were aching.

So, I got back straight away into rebuking illness, not letting it walk all over me like it did before Christmas when I had three bugs, one after another. I cursed illness in the name of Jesus, 1 Peter 2, 24. I was, am and will be healed by his stripes. Using my imagination, I saw this little blue ball with arms, like a jelly baby and spiritually I either poked it in the stomach or kicked it out the room.

I also re-iterated that I am walking in spiritual healing, every test the doctors have done on me this year has been negative. There is nothing wrong with me. Maybe it has all been in my head, symptomatic of my longing to return to the UK. Whatever, I’m now walking in healing. I’m not striving, I’m not fretting, just each time it starts away at me, I’m kicking at it.

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LEAVE IT!

This is something I often shout at Swingle when she’s eating something nasty or digging for mice!

One of the things that has come to me, is that we must put God first, stop striving, look at the birds of the field etc. What he wants is relationship with us, not our career, how we serve him, how much we give. See ye first the kingdom of God and all this will be added to you. Put him first, hence my reading and trying to meditate on his ways.

Then I knew he was telling me to stop striving with the book sales, getting worried about ways of marketing and clutching at straws. He dealt with my sales in the pandemic and now I need to leave it to him, having done all I can. Stop worrying about money and get on with life with peace. I even began to think, I wonder if I’m ready enough for some sort of ministry, so I stamped my foot on that one, even if once again I feel I have come to the end of me and all I want to do in life.

So after another damp trot on the hills, I came up to do my work on the next book, for I have said to him I will contunie with this so I dont go spare with boredom or let the reslessness in again. I put on the old FB, to see a comment on a racing group about a picture of the racehorse Lovely cottage whi features in my last book. I’d tried to track down an address of his owners but hadnt found one on the net that I could be sure was the right people. The comment not only turns out to be the family, but his parents have two paintings of Lovely Cottage, he’s bought the book and will be in touch. Nothing of me, God doing his work, after all this time.

Then later the evening, another author commented on how she likes my books and I always have that nagging voice saying no one likes your books. Know who that is and rebuke it.

See what happens when you stop striving?


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Following the peace

I’ve been sort of enjoying the walks in the pouring rain now that I have a new coat and waterproof trousers, and now that the golf course across from our house is shut in the bad weather, but the going is so heavy with the waterlogged ground it’s hard work. This was written before the snow!

The next stage of my learning has been to remember to follow God’s peace. Its a way he speaks to us through Holy Spirit. Our little, third Fiat Panda needed its MOT last week so we took it to the local garage in Mountain Ash. Dave and I have been talking about finances, and we have to cut back our spending or my book sales must go up, I really don’t want to have to find a job when retirement is such a blessing.

So as we chatted, I said I had a budget in mind, and we agreed. Happily we left the car, but soon had a phone call. The back axle was badly rusted, and needed replacing amongst other work. They came up with a budget of about £800, yikes! The lad at the garage offered to buy it from us for about £900, and as we knew he would do it up and sell it on, we knew it must be basically ok, and it is low mileage. Even with saving on the repairs and his offer, we couldn’t find any cars in our budget, that might also turn out to be pups.

So, for once, we prayed about it. Talked about it calmly and kept our peace. We told the garage we were keeping it, and they promptly said there was place in Aberdare who would weld it and do the work for much much less than their quote. Now the cynical of you will be saying, they were playing you, but they weren’t. It’s a small, two man garage and they did all they could to help.

Car with new MOT, peace held, God’s solution.


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Rain and thoughts

The next session on being a spiritual sacrifice which I listened to on my damp trot around the golf course took all my thinking a step further. Being in the wind and rain really seems to concentrate the mind. It’s the teaching that you have to give up all that’s you if you want to find out what is God’s will. No I don’t mean chucking in the day job. It’s a surrender, allowing him to correct our course, even as far as putting your shopping trolley back in the right place and waiting patiently in traffic!

It’s a me being prepared to give up writing -though I have said to him that while he gets me sorted I’ll go on other wise I’ll go spare with boredom! being open to what ever he has for me. I’ve been so aware since coming into our new fellowship that I’m just gagging to do more than the children’s ministry but not necessarily being in charge. I’ve changed over the past few years to being quite happy to being told what to do (yikes).

Of course, there’s fourteen years of frustration in me as well after the living in the spiritual desert of Austria!

I lay it all aside and however he spells this out to me, whenever he considers I’m usable, I’m at peace for that time


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The healing power of the word

After my last post, I was really mithering on about my pain over the kids and letting my emotions gambol all over me. Then in the evening, I was happy again. A post on FB about pit ponies which I’m researching for my next book, was bringing in loads of great comments and I was thinking I must copy them down.

Then I got a message saying my post went against community guidelines, as spam! The way it read was the repetition of the word ponies had woken up some stupid algorithm. Post gone, account blocked until I put a new password in as it then thought someone had accessed my account. I was good,  I would just go with it, so I posted on the group what had happened and thanked them.

In the morning, it was still very cold and frozen and I really didn’t want to go an do my voluntary work with the Riding for the Disabled. This has been havering on inside for a while, and I don’t understand. Maybe it has something to do with all the sessions I missed before Christmas when I was ill. Its the one time a week I get out of the house and do something on my own, with like-minded people. Is it being stuck in a rut, not having driven on my own for a while, or God changing my mind? So I cancelled, only to find there was no session due to the ice.

Still in a turmoil, I came to my room and read my daily reading, my hand itching to switch on the laptop and sort the FB thing out. I resisted. When done reading,  I  changed the password and realised I had my peace back again.

It was the word, seeping into my sub consciousness and calming me. Next time you’re in a state, Anna, pick up the word. READ IT. You don’t have to meditate on it, just let those powerful words heal your emotions. It happened again another morning, same result, it works!


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On being a mother

No one ever told me that you would still see your children as your babies even though they are grown and leading their own lives and you yourself are in your sixties. I grieve for the years spent in Austria, where although they appeared to be happy and settled, they weren’t. One went through a divorce, just at Covid time and we couldn’t get over.  The other, found their love, but to the extent, they have moved on and that relationship between mother and child, which naturally must transfer to the partner has never been the same since. She now in a busy professional life and there is a barrier. I sense there is some deep problem there too, but she’ll never confide in me now.

I always imagined big, family Sunday dinners but they will never happen now as the only time we all seem to be together is at Christmas and they all can’t wait to rush back to their own lives.

My fear of crowding them is a result of my childhood, where I was brought up by my mother and grandmother, who fought the whole time, my mother ending up an alcoholic. I’m so scared of being intrusive, and in course, they have backed off, into their own lives. I always hoped that one day, when they were in their thirties, they would be mature enough to talk adult to adult, but it’s not happening. I so envy those close families.

My son, I did have some time with when we got here,and I tried so hard to tell him I was sorry for failing him during the divorce time, and of course he didn’t reply, but at least I said what was needed. My daughter had a blow up with her dad at Christmas, but it meant the next day she and I did chat a bit and for a few hours, my daughter ceased to be grumpy,fed up with us and non communicative, or maybe that was the alcohol!

My son has a new woman, who is from Europe and lives with her mother. I met them at Christmas and they seem lovely. But my alarm bells are ringing, how is there a future there? I want to say, beware set up boundaries. I know he is so hurt and is sailing into a new port, and its not history repeating itself. Then today I find they are all on holiday somewhere hot, all three of them. I’m jealous that he has a new mother figure. I’m hurt that he would never be on holiday like that with us, and I know my husband will never understand how I’m feeling right now, its a mother thing.

I hurt.