So where's the snow?

Muddling through life from Austria to Wales; God, life and a small black dog


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Anna, Valli and I have met a few times and its the start of something new.  When we met the other day I found myself actually opening up about my problems with the father figure, and how despite all he says to me and shows me, I cant trust him. Fathers run away, they leave you and cant be trusted. This then leads into when someone does turn to you, you reject them and reject them knowing that evenutally, they will turn and give up on you. This leads into a further monumental sulk and a feeling of exclusion. So when you see people having fun, being on holiday you are jealous and feel left out-(see recent events)  although I think I was excluded from things as a child and then I get into the why didn’t I say mode, such as when my piano was smashed by my brothers for a lark, aided by my mother, who was then angry that I hadnt reminded her about my lessons, no, we’ll get another, I had to go to neighbours and so gave up.  This then leads you into a feeling of being alone (and I think I was often alone as a child), learning to enjoy your own company , and rather than telling people stuff, you write it down………….

After I finally revealed all this, and I rarely speak about myself, we all left, but in that evening, I was so chuffed when Valli rang and said lets meet without Anna, she was finding it all a but difficult when faced with Mrs Super Spiritual while she is dealing with her problems in the house. She also wanted to pray with me. When I arrived, she was in a state and I could just feel her pain as I remember all the years that my mother and my gran fought and bickered. She lives in a shared house with her Mother-in-law………..I suggested that they get a third party into mediate as there are no ways with the building to change it to separate entrances and gardens at the moment. But inside I was relieved, because that nasty little voice had said to me, if you are healed of all these issues, what will be left of Anna, all I could see was a negative effect when all should be a great happy change. And I didn’t want to cry in public! So we prayed a little but more for Valli, maybe next time for me………



Author: annarashbrook

English Ex-pat living in Austria, Christian, blogger (of course) writer, photographer, dog owner!

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