Much like last summer, I’m enjoying my walks with the dog, days potteringalternating with extremely busy times, especially when we have meals on wheels duty. I’ve also added the extra joy of redecorating the house. The preparation is worse than the actual painting but I’ve been having a big clear out too.
Having a mean streak caught me out yet again! I could have taken some little cards and matched out yellow bedroom, but I saw the ready mixed paint was 20 euros cheaper, so I snatched that off the shelf- result a bedroom that owes more to a Policeman’warning vest than a bedroom, but at least it feels warm!!!!
On my latest Meals on Wheels stint I was aware of how great I was feeling despite being so busy, I wasn’t lagging although sometimes I was just so tired I was falling asleep as my head hit the pillow, but I had no sensation of this tiredness where in the past I would have to take a nap in the afternoon!
I began to suspect that I was still having symptoms of gluten intolerance, so I double checked all that I was eating. And found that it was highly likely that my beloved porridge oats that I have for breakfast could well be contaminated – yes, they were the chepest brand….. So I looked for alternatives and found that you can buy Rice flakes, which cooked in the microwave made a very nice alternative – if a bit like rice pudding for breakfast! But I just felt a huge freedom from the sense of burning and discomfort in my stomach. The palpitations are gone- I one day indvertantly ate some Gluten, and could feel it straight away and in three days had a couple of mild pappitations, but no more! I’ve now bought guaranteed gluten free oats from the interweb, but the delivery is so expensive, I have to eek them out, NO health food shops in Lungua, the one time I miss a big city shop!
So whizzing around on MOW I was suddenly was aware that I was rushing around but was at peace. I was resting in God because I was so busy, I didn’t have time to be constantly absorbed by myself. I must learn to rest in this. I felt strongly that despite all my misgivings, I am here at the right time, in the right place, despite my missing my kids. This bliss went on the whole week, but of course, sooner or later I blew it, but its informing my thoughts. For example, I’d put myself under pressure, oh, I must read the Bible daily, feeling that I should be more upset about all this end time stuff around me and friends saying that I should be driven by a sense of urgency we have to prepare the Bride for Christ!
NO! God created us to have firstly a relationship with him and walk in the cool evening garden. I’ve been letting other people heap guilt on me. And I’m staying in this quiet place and seeing the changes around me. It will change, its not a stasis, I’m sure but the more I hang on to the pressures other people put on me, the drier and the further away from his peace I will be.
Then the guilt started tripping me up. Everyone else has family around or is having a holiday (such as the PC shop that still hadn’t fixed my laptop), I felt excluded especially when a friend who has family staying was too busy when I wanted to pop in. Wallow, wallow wallow, I’ve always had a sense of being left out from my childhood and this cracked in with a vengeance! Self pity rolling in.
Then the other Anna lent me a CD about the end times, and I thought, oh n, not again, signs and omens, panic panic, run around like headless chickens in your faith. But I listened to it (might have fallen asleep the first time though).
It was citing the marriage at Cana and had some background knowledge. It was Mary, who had organised the wedding. She had been duped over the wine. She asked Jesus in expectation that he would do something before his time and he did. There was a lot more but this is the hub. We should be living in a sense of expectation, which he classed as a sure knowledge that something will happen, even if we know not what. Is this a counter to unbelief? It suddenly makes sense to me of the times we’re in, he’s showing signs of being on his way, we should be excited not obsessing about how many earthquakes there’s been. And to be sure he is going to to do something before the time arrives. It’s a gestalt shift, from doom and gloom to a looking forward excpectantly.
So I prayed that I didn’t know what he was planning but he knew how I’m feeling. And so I waited for something. Takes time, that night, Edith rang me up, just asking me to visit, and we had such a nice time just catching up. Prayer answered, here is a friend who isn’t on hols, hasn’t got reams of family and just wants a chat! Lovely!
Then this weekend Dave really was tired so on a beautiful Sunday I was off for a walk with Swingle in the most beautiful scenery on my own and I was again so aware of my alone-ness, not loneliness. Being an island. I got like this last summer. Is it any good for me? Being fed up. Got back after a glorious walk to a sleepy husband, but by the end of the evening I explained how I’m feeling and how good it would be for us to take a break, so I got, oh, I don’t like the crowds, we’ve got the changeovers, we’re going to the UK at Christmas, blahblahblah.
What I felt was that although we had been together on the weekend, we hadn’t been together or done anything, it was just like being on my own most of the weekend and loathe as I am to admit it, I miss his company , even on walks when he’s moaning about a perfectly well behaved dog. We’re spending a beautiful summer in separate camps. I can see his weariness, but he could make some effort. If it is so bad maybe he should see a doctor. But then again he’s over 60 and a six day week is to much! The following week, we found a compromise, we just sat in the garden, no TV, had a meal together and just chatted. Now I’m looking forward to him having some time off in September………..