Everytime we watch her on TV, or we read one of her books, ZAP! It’s as if she’s speaking right to me, pointing things out through the Holy Spirit, and sometimes, I just wish she would leave me alone!!!!!!
We’ve been studying Power Thoughts in our Housegroup, and on the section ‘I will not live in fear’ I got zapped again on a small section but which the Holy Spirit has since been teaching me more deeply, but like so many things he’s pointed out to me, (such as why I can’t cope with friends who age) I get to the realization of its effect on my life but don’t know what to do about it, or how I/He will resolve it.
Approval Addiction is a form of fear. I didn’t have a father around and its lead me to seek approval, and even put on pedestals men in authority around me, mostly pastors and ministers. I want their approval. It hurt me so much to be fatherless, but a few years ago, by chance I found out that he had been around after my birth, so he must have held me as a babe, that is a huge comfort, maybe I need to work on that. As Joyce says, I’m trying to get the approval of these men in replacement for my missing father. Its only with these figures this exists. It explains why I cannot relate to God as a Father, all I can think is that he will abandon me, which is directly in the face of all that I read and believe is true in the Bible. I dislike praying to God the Father intensely. I have no trust for such a figure. I would like to see an A-sexual parent/leader, (not feminine) , but it’s not biblical.
Am I afraid of personality types? Increasingly as I grow older, I’m scared of men especially if they have been drinking or are in a group I’ve no idea what all that is about. I’m becoming more and more private and Dave says Prudish compared to when I was younger.
Now for the biggest zap. In looking after our holiday houses, we had a bit of a blip with a new one. I didn’t check that the heating had come on when I turned the electricity on and then, when I did, thought I’d switched it off. It was a storage heater and would take a while to cool. I had let myself get in a state of rush and panic as I wasn’t sure when the guests would arrive, it took me ten minutes to change a hoover bag as I was in such a state, I just wasn’t thinking as I looked in the fuse box.
The guests arrived during the heatwave, and they found the flat just a tad hot. I went over and switched off everything I could, but the heater still needed time to cool. They were Italian and we had to communicate via google to understand each other. I should have checked, though Dave said the owner should have turned it off as he had the others. Eventually it cooled.
I always want everything right and correct and I try to take responsibility when maybe I’m not (eg car accident)- I drive Dave mad when I correct him in conversation and I really need grace to keep my mouth shut and realise its not important if something is wrong. It’s why I hate failure or mistakes why because it causes withdrawal of approval when you get something wrong -arrgggggghhhhh!
Then we had some new guests at another house, and I went over and had a lovely chat with them, told them all about the area, what there was to do, and we saw them at the end of the week when we went to fix a blown fuse. It then came to me, I love doing this, because I have complete approval from people at such a time, they are happy, and pleased with all I say. Then they mentioned one of our friends had cycled past and given them some ideas I hadn’t, and I was SO cross, how dare he interfere and make me feel I’d done a bad job, well he can’t take over the job with the messed up weekends, cleaning and ironing. I even had this all through my head, keeping me awake in the night, till Holy Spirit pointed out, this guy was fast asleep in his bed with out an idea of what I was thinking! It came back again during Church and I really had to make an effort to let it go, it’s just him being him. Forgive.
It’s all about approval. I’m going to buy Joyce’s book to help me. I can renew my mind but I need practical help with all this. I also realised that I slip all the time. If I had asked God to help me with the hoover bag, with sorting the heating, each thing in each day, maybe things would have been different. I’m such a twit. Jabbering him in the morning then ignoring him, doing it all in my own strength. I’m now trying to blither on at him, ask him for help all the time, so I don’t screw up so much – oh crumbs, is that another form of fear?
Then in the same Church service, a Dutch couple came along, they were on holiday. They work for the Evangelical Alliance in Prague, Church planting and outreach.. We had a huge chat (in English, I did apologise) and I hope to hear from them when they are home. God does use the damaged of the world, and I’m so glad, cos its and uphill climb with me!