It took a while for the self loathing to disappear. It took a while to stop reflecting on the absoluteness of the action, like the finality of death, you cannot change it.
We had the loan car and a family visit which was really good to take me out of myself as other horrible things just kept on happening. On Meals On Wheels, I got shouted at by the cook in the Hotel over a missed delivery, which was not my fault, I’d even rang to ask him why I had a box left the previuos day. Then blow me down of I didn’t have a gift from the Kindergarten, and the customers themselves are so lovely, I can’t jack it in. Then I fell flat on my face while out walking and that hasnt happened for a while! Thought I’d sprained my wrist but its ok.
Was GOd punishing me for something? I don’t believe in that sort of God, it’s just me own stupidity and things just happening. I’m certainly not letting myself drift off into lala land and not concentrate any more -middle age stuff!
The worse thing is not being able to bung the dog in the car and go for a walk, and when we had no car, how difficult it is just to go shopping! It’s a privilege to have but taken for granted to have a car.
And the guy at the garage has talked us into buying a new car. The insurance is fannying about, so we’re doing it on auto leasing which is cheaper than the bank, it’s the older style panda, but new this year, last of the line I suppose, and its RED!!! Love red cars!