As Ive said, I’ve been seeking God a lot more since loosing my job, 8 in 6 years is a bit ridiculous. I’ve had the homesickness to deal with, and I’ve had a sense of having lost our way here. A brick wall. I’ve been focusing in on Mathew 7,7, as well as looking at the stories of Mary and Martha, I’m a convicted Martha and Dave a Mary. It’s interesting they both say exactly the same thing when Jesus arrives after Lazarus has died. I digress.
I’ve felt for a long time that I must put all the old things behind, the horses as work in particular, I haven’t ridden for over a year and the nerves are coming back. Dave hasn’t even perceived this but has said, why are you cleaning, you can do better than this? Not good for the arrogance! I’ve thought, maybe erroneously that I had to give up all of self, but there has been a nagging sense that while the job was relatively stress free, there was an underlying deep sense of boredom. Then again, I’ve done different cleaning jobs all through my life it’s a fall back. Maybe it is that God had only meant me to serve through cleaning, not all my own aspirations such as writing. Maybe I’ve started grasping his lessons about life through these jobs, and I can move on. But surely to go back is a mistake, you should look forward?
There’s also the Mary, Martha situation. I have to go out and try things, step out and at least find out if they are wrong. For example, telling people that we are looking for work, Dave especially in the garden. Dave thinks we should just sit on our bums on the sofa and wait for it to arrive in our lap. He got cross the other day when I mentioned to some people that we were thinking of starting a business, but I’d felt prompted to do it. Who is right? Surely there is a balance of both, half of Dave’s trouble is that he has no self-confidence and is scared of failure. Id rather make a mess than not do anything.
I was at the Lois’s stables the other day, having told Dave I was going to give up the lessons. I was well aware I was whining about my situation, and I shouldn’t be doing it , but at least I could be upbeat next time! But out of this, the Mum of the girl I was teaching wants to go on with me, not her daughter going to Lois to ride, and she wants me to do some English teaching. I’ve done this before but after a lad I’d coached still didn’t pass an exam, I felt underqualified and useless and gave up. Then I shot myself completely in the foot. The next day came a phone call from a local estate agent who I used to do some translating for, asking me to go out on a visit with him to translate. I was so chuffed, and said things to come around, so Dave had to rub it in, just what I said about waiting – arrrrrrggggghhhhhhhh!
So have I a few years ago taken a wrong turning? I felt God leading me to working at the Burg and his God-incidences led me to this previous job. Or was it a direction he had to take me to teach me things, then lead me back with a new knowledge on this path, of horses and teaching which was his way all along? Both? I’been praying for a new thing, but maybe it’s within the old, I did have an attitude problem about going back but consciously prayed whatever he wants, I’ll do. I’m surprisingly happy about the whole thing, the only thing is, how will I earn enough? I’ve felt maybe this unemployment will enable me to use the self-employed advice centre here, but all is so regulated here, could I do an all-purpose jobbing self employment, and what about our project? I know, trust and stop manipulating, but I can tell this estate agent about how things are when he asks????????