When you have God’s will and you are meeting his in your heart, there’s a peace. It’s difficult to describe and I can only say that by having re found it, I’m now so aware of how I had lost it. I was so eaten away by bitterness at the Erna at work situation and I was causing strife in my mind because I was just letting my damaged pride eat away at me, when we live in strife the devil has a foothold (Thanks Joyce Meyer)
So I’ve been back to praying and reading, and come to a realisation that I need a daily realignment in my thinking and actions. I wanted to care for those at work, even Erna. When she started the ignoring me, I thought (and this didn’t come from me), dear Erna, she is a sister in Christ and I’ll be with her in eternity (HELP!!!!!!) and the following sensation was sweet. Driving up the hill to the Burg one morning after an early shower, the sun caught the rain drops and golden light filtered through, and I was overwhelmed with the beauty of his creation, and was filled with joy. I haven’t had a moment like that for ages.
I’ve been wary of fasting for a while, for those who say that you get closer to God and have new insights. But surely isn’t that just the effect of having low blood sugar and other chemical changes in the blood? This moment in a way proved it to me, I was happily well fed and untired when this happened. I think fasting should be a discipline for the body, God I don’t think loves you more because you’re hungry –someone comment?
For several days following this I was filled with this Holy sweetness and the light around me on the plants and trees gave them a new beauty. The supernatural is so close but we fail to perceive it.
My perceptions changed too, when Edith suggested we work with the disabled people, my heart leapt – mainly because it is financially viable for them which we had thought not. I thought this way was blocked since I left the FCRT, but maybe it was there all along, after all, seeing the Lebenshilfe workstation was one of the key moments in deciding us for here, although I later failed two interviews – my timing not Gods?
I was still yearning my alone time, but began to see the element of self in it. I also had another bout of the unexplained sadness – it during when I was trying to deal with Erna at work and then Edith rang and I snapped at her. Maybe it’s the Holy Spirit being grieved in me. I have felt there’s a contraction in being told not to follow our feelings, but sadness/grief etc are part of them. Maybe its in the sense of knowing.