This is the last really negative blog I’m going to allow myself to post. Looking back through the summer I’ve done nothing but whine, suffer and grumble. Take it as said till the autumn that Erna drives me mad, work knackers me, and if she is working next year, unless things change I will not return to the Burg! There are some developments on the horizon which I will blog later.
I sometimes really wonder how long I can go on like this. Maybe the situation is of my own doing, my reactions, my lack of faith. I don’t know. Its all snowballing in this fear of tiredness, the tiredness itself and the consequent lack of sleep, the frustration, and the just sheer numbing , overwhelming sense of the futility of life for me as it is now, the sense of having nowhere further to go which generates an inertia that is inescapable. The thought of not going back to the Burg and being at home and writing and doing stuff is such a dream. I don’t even feel the therapy work is going to begin, what should be my biggest dream feels like nothing.
The film crew was at the Burg, along with 140 school kids. Whoever thought the two groups could be compatible in such an enclosed space needs their head examining! They brought a Cherry picker up the steep turning road and of course it got stuck and the trailer collapsed. Did no one in logistics look at a map? Michaela was stuck for nearly two hours until they shifted it – I decamped and walked home! They later used it to shine a light from outside into the room they were filming in, to keep it constant I suppose, I could see the guy’s feet hanging over the edge of the box, he was asleep I think!
The following day was an Erna day. It started well for me, I’d finally sensed my oncoming sleeplessness feelings and so took a tablet at the right time instead of trying to get off and giving up at midnight, and so I slept like a baby though the night and felt great in the morning. After breakfast I said to the other two that we must clean the main loos in the yard first because they were being used so much the previous day that I’d had to do them three times. It took several attempts to get through what I was saying. This lead to confusion, a break in the Burg cleaning routine, something out-of-order, the dumb twit was speaking . I took the buckets and went. My fault, I took the wrong one and when I got back to the other two, Erna and Michaela had had a shouting match, because I was with the bucket with the binbags in and they’d forgotten a scrubbing brush. The atmosphere was hell for the rest of the day. Erna asking Michaela if she’d known a shower door was stuck, despite the fact I was working the previous day, it didn’t even occur to ask me. I do have another day with her, the 23rd. Do I go on or hand my notice in? The next few weeks I’m with Michaela or on my own. I can download some good bible teaching and listen to that as I work. I’d feel wrong leaving them in the lurch mid season if I did leave. We also need the money for bits we need to do on the flat. I’m maybe not listening to God enough. I feel there is no point in saying to Helmut that I can’t work with her anymore, he is soo just keep the peace and bury your head in the sand.
Then at lunch time, Helmuth started saying he may need both of us on Saturday, I have three days off and need the break. The thought of working the weekend through just made me want to weep. It would mean working three weekends his month. I keep on getting this what I call, ‘Unexpected moments of sadness’ when I just want to weep – (see being Austrian blog) , maybe its related to tiredness or hormones, I dunno!
So when I get home, Dave announces he has Thursday off, fantastic, extra time being given to us together when the weekend is lost, just the thing I’ve been saying we’re losing. But all I wanted as time out on my own, in quiet, to write and potter. It was delayed till today. Dave and I talked about walking, but overslept and just spent the day doing a it of shopping and sitting, which did a great deal to make me peaceful. and I’ll get all day tomorrow too. Is God giving me what I need so I can make it till the end of the year?
Most important, is that I have the plot for a new book. I’m going to put Tom onto Kindle once I’ve checked it over and this will follow. If I could make money writing, I’d be my own boss and never have to see the inside of the Burg again.