The follow-up to Tu was has led to God reaching me another lesson that I hope will stay. On the evening of the results, I had to pick Dave up from work and as I arrived he was leaving in the van with the boss. Could I come back in half an hour? I was so cross, it wasn’t worth going home, so I bought an ice cream and tried to doze in the car. Later I just couldn’t get through to him that all I wished he had done was pick up his flippin mobile and say I’m in the truck, I may be late. I could have stayed at home. He knew I would be there at six. It was, well I didn’t know I was going, or how long, he just couldn’t see my side.
Then Michaela had been telling me about yet another job she’s taking on and the next day, denied a lot of the details to me. I don’t like being lied too, and I felt we were friends and she wouldn’t treat me like she does the others. I wasnt angry, just saddened. So I thought, she’s had a hard life, she loves bossing me and telling me all her troubles, but its obvious that really my side is of no interest to her – especially as she obviously wasnt the least bit interested in my Tu Was adventures (yeah, I know, that’s just being peevish).
All my life has been a search, if not exactly for approval but for people to be interested in me, maybe due to my childhood events. I am always surprised when I find feet of clay, and I see that’s unrealistic. Why do I always expect perfection? Why do I always strive to get everything right? How have I arrived at this? More shepherding needed I think! Dave turned around and said to me, well why should Michaela be interested in what you do? He even says to me that he has to ‘try’ and take an interest in what I’m doing. I don’t tell him stuff precisely because he’s just not interested or tells me I’m obsessed with horses – and of course he’s not obsessed with anything……or he forgets everything I say and then says I havent told him but apparently Lois and Michaela’s bloke are just the same so maybe its a man short-term memory thing.
Anyway. Without reading self-pity into this, please understand. There is only one person who is interested in you, who wont let you down, forget, dismiss or ignore. and that’s God. He’s the only one who wont fail you. Jesus has been in all these bad places, betrayed, ignored, shunned. All my life I’ve been looking for people to love me and be interested in me and endorse me, and every single person has let me down. I don’t mean this to sound arrogant, as if I’m someone special. No there’s one person who has been there all my life and I need to stop trying to find someone who will, if not let me down, rather understand and support me, because he’s been there all along. I’ve been so dumb. And its so liberating. I need to set no more unrealistic standards for the people in my life, all will somehow fail me because we’re human. The one I need has been there all along and will be. I need to turn to him for my succour and support, and with this I have peace. He will not hurt me, he has loved me from the start and will do whatever daft things I do. Its given me peace.