Perhaps a Blog is the biggest excuse for introspective navel gazing ever invented, but if I can touch just one person’s life, help in some way with what I’ve learnt, make them think of God and let him into their life then its worth it!
I came to the idea of doing a Blog after I really had to accept that I’m never going to get published in book from (except my own unique 50th birthday edition). As a child I always wanted to be a ‘writer’, and this is just another form of doing just so. I don’t need to write for profit, I have more riches now than anyone needs, a beautiful home, better relationship than ever with Dave, fantastic kids, friends, a stunning, if a bit cold place to live in and most important of all a deeper relationship with God. Yet, being the sort of person I am, I can’t just drift, I need at least an outline of a plan, and the need to be doing stuff for God is an ever present nag. I perceive serving God, probably too much, as being through my job and this may not be so. Yet maybe this form of speaking out in the Blog is a type of Ministry. When I think of all the blunders I’ve made in the past when trying to lead people to the Lord, maybe its better this way!
The quiet times I’ve had since we’ve been here at first drove me to distraction with boredom and impatience, but now, I’ve finally learnt to fill these times, let God’s peace flow through and enjoy. I can see that loneliness is an easy option which is maybe why I can’t be here all the time, but I’m not lonely anymore, I’m self fulfilled. Perhaps I should have done this blog sooner as Dave has so often said…. being alone is not the same as loneliness. I used to mock people who kept a house immaculate (no mine isnt) but the simplicity of a tidy home, which we can enjoy has become a pleasure, so what if no one else sees it?
When I realised I was in for another bout of being at home and in the aftermath of sadness of my kids returning to England I indulged in a good old pity party. How can I serve him sat here on my own? What is his will? I need to see it in my life – blah, blah, blah. Many people in the Bible have had to wait a while for God’s plan eg Abraham (don’t think I’ll live that long!) and Moses. Each time I’ve got busy again, I’ve wished I’d used the quiet times more. Maybe at last I’ve learnt my lesson! Still, I wish when I was so exhausted last summer I could have seen this pause and stayed in God’s rest.
So this time, with lots of listening to Andrew Wommack and Joyce Myer and reading in Hebrews and James (ch3, 3 -4), I got it. God can’t steer you like a boat or guide you like a horse with bit, if you’re not MOVING! So I tried for every job that looked remotely likely, holding onto my premise that I will not work all weekend and six days a week again, and found the job at the castle. I was on a total high before and after the interview- although I had been to the dentist and had an injection(!). Writing this has taken me suddenly to a place of such peace that is overwhelming. I need to see things as right or wrong, now it doesn’t matter, I’m moving forward and he will guide me.